Where do I begin, my journey into adolescence or adulthood...or motherhood?
I am one of five children...ok, four a half, my dad had two children about a year apart with different women, and then had me less than a year after that. I blame peace, love, and the 70's. They just celebrated their 35th anniversary. I am the only girl and I think being raised with all boys has made me less tolerant of women, especially weak and weepy women. I do not cry...pretty much ever, except if you show me videos of people with cancer (I lost my Grammy almost a year ago to that terrible disease) or soldiers coming home. That'll get me. Also, pride in my children. But, I'm not the type to get my feelings hurt and cry. Not going to happen.
My brothers:
I married my high school sweetheart at seventeen a month before I graduated; no I wasn't pregnant. My parents found out we had been doing things many seventeen year old's do and gave me an ultimatum...get married or break up. We divorced ten years and two children later. I have my ten year old, affectionately called my Monster and then I have my Angel Baby, who is eight. I had, as I had done at seventeen, found physical pleasure in a place I shouldn't have and had a decision to make. Stay in a marriage I was clearly unhappy in (and had made that clear about a year before my two weeks of stupidity...I didn't wear a wedding ring and was terribly unkind) or decide that living with just my boys and I was enough for me. I chose the latter. Forty-seven days later, I was divorced. We agreed on joint custody, because although I didn't want to live with him, my children love and need their dad, and asked for no child support, didn't take the house, and tried to do everything I could to make sure my ex's life wasn't destroyed because he still had my boys to help me raise into amazing men. He remarried a very nice woman less than a year later. Did I mention I'm from a very, very very small town...so everyone knew, I got letters from people telling me how horrible I was, how ashamed of me my children would be, and I would die alone addicted to tanning beds and beauty parlors. Nothing anyone could have said to me would have made me feel as terrible as I felt without their condemnation. I was ashamed of my actions. Luckily, six years later, my kids still love me and I have forgiven myself. It was a long road. My bosses, I'm a high school teacher, told me I would destroy my children and it would be hard for my students to "look up to me" because I was divorced. I soon left that district, by choice, and work in a nearby town...and I LOVE IT. :)
My ex came from a divorced family that was unable to keep him out of the conflict and fortunately, but unfortunately, he learned, first hand, that's not what he wanted for his children. For that I am truly thankful. He accepted early on that his actions contributed to our divorce and willingly admits to 50% of the blame. We do not always agree nor see eye to eye, but we always put the boys first. ALWAYS. Sometimes I disagree with how he does things or his priorities, as I know he does mine also, but in the long run, it's about our boys and them being happy.
I dated a few men off and on for about a year and a half after my divorce, but nothing serious. I was perfectly content to just live my life with my boys and I. We are quite a team. They are my world and I didn't need anything else. But, then my one indiscretion decided he could no longer live in a love-less, affair ridden marriage and moved out. He came to me as a friend, and I told him to go back, work on his marriage, and it wasn't as easy as it appeared. He had a baby at home and a two year old...he told me I didn't understand how much he didn't see his wife as a wife, but as a roommate instead and there were no loving feelings for her. He said he had tried to leave in the past, but she made him feel guilty and would cry, so he stayed, but nothing changed. Eventually she started dating and I told him he should too. He should see what all was out there. But, he only had eyes for me. I'm not kidding when I say that was a terrible choice for him. It has been constant conflict for the last five years for that decision. We married two years after we started dating.
So, my life went from a traditional family of four, to a family of three, to a blended family of six. There is the hubby, Little Man, and Curly added to the mix. I'm sure many stories will be told relating to Little Man and Curly on my part of the blog, because they have another person who isn't in my home, but definitely in control of my life who hasn't been able to love her kids more than she hates us. It's a never ending battle in court, outside of court, and we are always in a state of stress. It's absolutely miserable. Don't get me wrong, I love my life and I love ALL my kids, but I've never witness darkness in my life as I do now, almost daily. That'll probably be written about often also.
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